Interview

Interview with Jane Doe* by Rachel Bryant

Jane and I met in October of last year in 2017. She and I became quick friends and she confided in me her struggles with her emotions and thought she might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Jane was diagnosed with BPD in late 2018. This is an interview about her struggles with BPD.

Rachel: When did you first realize you had something different about you you could not explain?

Jane Doe: I first realized I was different when I was about 15 or 16 years old. What made me realize this was when the way I thought and acted was very different from other people. I would constantly have this disconnect in my brain and would ask others if they felt the same; of course they responded with something similar to “No? What?” The thoughts I had were way past the normal teenage angst, it was almost sociopathic. The thoughts scared and confused me, which of course made it even worse. These thoughts morphed into actions, which were frightening to the people around me. This is when I knew there was something wrong with me.

Rachel: When did you realize it was a personality disorder?

Jane Doe: When I researched about what I was feeling meant, the only answers that came up were different personality disorders. So naturally, I knew it had to be a personality disorder. Now I wasn’t sure what type of personality disorder because many of them overlapped, but after going to a psychiatrist and doing many tests with them, I was diagnosed with BPD.

Rachel: How did the people around you react when you told them you had this disorder? Was it good or bad?

Jane Doe: My close family was shocked, they weren’t shocked that there was something wrong with me, but they were shocked that someone related to them dared to have this blemish upon themself. The more time that has passed, the better the understanding and acceptance became-- especially since I was getting the help I need and becoming a better person.

Rachel: Has it affected your relationships? If so, what way?

Jane Doe: When I was undiagnosed and untreated, it affected my relationships in a very negative way. This was because of my very different ends of the spectrum: outbursts of emotion (usually anger) and the complete lack of emotion. The ways my mood changed so quickly and drastically definitely strained my relationship with others. People that didn’t understand thought that I didn’t care about them from the way I treated them-- they aren’t completely wrong, sometimes I didn’t care for anyone at all-- but that simply wasn’t it, I lost the ability to filter my emotions.

Rachel: Was it hard to accept at first? What was the hardest part?

Jane Doe: It wasn’t that hard for me to accept. BPD is a horrible disorder that I have to live with, but now that I know what it is and can be treated for it, everything is as normal as it can be. The hardest part is living with the knowledge of how I used to be. The way I used to treat people leave those people scarred, but these wounds can be fixed. With time, patience, and understanding those bad memories can be overshadowed by brighter, happier memories. Of course those bad memories will remain, but they also help me remember how far I’ve come.

Another difficult thing to live with is how antisocial I am. I’m not super emotional anymore, so being around people is very exhausting due to the fact I have to put on more emotion to be normal. I usually hole myself up in my room or my phone to purposely miss out on things because of how tired I get. This gives me a little bit of sadness, but I feel comfortable being alone or, if I am with people, being in my room. Once again, with understanding and patience from those who love me, it’s not so bad.

Rachel: Have you accepted it?

Jane Doe: Yes, but not like how other people accept theirs. Most people with something that disables them mentally or physically say something inspirational like, “It is a part of me and I would never change it because it makes me who I am.” I call a little b.s. On that because if I could get rid of my BPD, I would. When I relapse, even though I’m not as bad as I used to be, I can be very distant and uncaring or angry at people out of the blue. And it sucks because half of my brain is rational and tells me to stop, but the other half just keeps going and pushing limits. BPD is not who I am as a person, but it’s something I have to live with. So yes I’ve accepted that it happens to me, but it doesn’t define me.

*name changed to respect Jane’s privacy